Scared Skinny!

The other night I had one of those DREAM REVELATIONS!

......'SCARED SKINNY' were the words I was uttering as I abruptly woke up, in the wee hours of the morning, as I clutched my chest, gasping for air!!!

My mom passed away last summer. No matter where in the world I lived, Mom called me or I, her -- EVERY DAY -- just to shoot the breeze about the day. Even talking about 'same old, same old' with Mom was hilarious and comforting. She was my voice of reason in this crazy world. And she always knew what was on my mind even if I didn't say it exactly. She could tell by the tone of my voice, the pauses in the conversation, the 'look' in my eye -- even over the PHONE! This was before Skype! And she ALWAYS knew EXACTLY what she needed to say to me -- what HAD to be said, sometimes -- the things NO ONE else WOULD or COULD say to me -- to make me get on with life and all that I had to do.

Lately, I've been needing to talk to Mom. Alas....

My dream....!!!!

'I was in a space waiting to see and talk to my Mom. I could see her 'outline' in the distance and she 'looked' good -- glowing, in fact, and her hair was done so nice -- exactly how she liked it. Before I could get 'in' to see her, I had to go through some sort of 'purification' process -- a 'consecration' process -- so said the 'man' who was the 'go-between'. I recognized the man. He was from our church here. He's this guy that is looked up to by all at the church. He's got a big job, a wonderful wife, and three lovely children. Most of all, though, he ALWAYS knows exactly the right thing to say....about the Bible, about God, about how we need to serve and love God, about how we all must live our lives, and how he lives to glorify God -- in EVERYTHING he does. He's SO wise, ALL THE TIME! In fact, sometimes I find him nauseatingly 'wise'. He often gets on my nerves. I never EVER tell anyone this and I never would. I don't want to hurt him and I certainly don't want to jade others' opinion of him -- especially because he truly seems to inspire people. He just doesn't inspire ME! What can I say -- I'm too cynical and skeptical for my own good! I actually LONG to be inspired. Fortunately, I AM inspired -- sometimes -- it so happens that the people who inspire me the most don't seem to ever be at church!

And my husband ...he inspires me. I've never know anyone who goes after life with such gusto,the way he does, in spite of failure and setbacks. He shrugs off negativity and just MOVES ON to the next adventure, the next challenge, the next hurdle, and HE MAKES THINGS HAPPEN! As one person once said about him ...he is 'truly a force of nature and a force to be reckoned with'. I'm so blessed to have a person like him in my life and the Lord has delivered on His promise to find me someone who would continue to love me and cherish me, through thick and thin, for better or for worse -- in the way that I've always known from my upbringing and my own 'nest'. I come from a long line of people who love and live like this. We're strong and forgiving and a faithful lot. I pray that our children and our children's children continue this legacy of faith,love, hope, and strength.

Anyway ..... the man in my dream.... he is dressed in a white suit -- and he is smiling and telling me I can get to see my Mom. BUT, FIRST, I have to be purified and consecrated and HE will be the one to purify and consecrate me. HIM? (I think to myself!) Man, he must REALLY be HOLY that God chose HIM to be the guy to purify and consecrate people....BUT.... I find him a bit creepy? (I think to myself). I don't WANT him to be the one to purify and consecrate me (I think to myself). Why did God choose HIM?! He gives me the heebie-jeebies! And as he comes toward me....smiling, with his big white hands held out to usher me into the purification/consecration, I panic!! I back up, I can't go -- I WON'T go -- I can't breathe! I can't catch my breath -- I'm gasping now....because he's moving toward me....he's SO SCARY....I am SCARED SKINNY!!!!!'

'SCARED SKINNY' were the words I was uttering as I abruptly woke up, in the wee hours of the morning, as I clutched my chest, gasping for air.

Lately, I have REALLY been struggling with getting down to the weight and, more so, the percentage fat that I want to achieve. I have my personal goals and in the past few months, JUST when I'm ALMOST there -- attaining these goals and then on the roll, in the zone I need to be in and STAY in to STAY there -- I choke, for some reason. It's as if I NEED to undermine and screw myself. It's NOT good. And see, I'M the EXPERT! These things are NOT supposed to happen to ME! Right?!

WRONG! Those of us who deal with all of this, for a living, are probably weaker than most people when it comes to these issues. That's what drew us to work in these fields to begin with. Well, that was the case for me, but, maybe not for all of you -- you are probably all very strong and steady. And I usually am, TOO! Because I KNOW, FIRST HAND -- how incredibly FANTASTIC it feels to live healthy. My body feels GREAT and it keeps my mind, soul, and heart in total balance and full of joy! Eating fresh and balanced and healthy and exercising regularly IS the MAGIC BULLET and FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH -- REALLY!!!

But, it's not all about just looking good -- it's about HEALTH. Because I generally look good, people have no idea that I am NOT at my own personal best. I was before Mom got ill and then, the sorrow and sadness overtook me. I was sleep deprived, I got out of my usual regular exercise and work-out rhythm, I started comfort eating, I developed rashes, I had to go on steroids -- I was a MESS! THANKFULLY, with time and healing and the grace of God, I pulled myself out of it. But, THEN, the 'teasing'and this blasted, taunting struggle started -- almost getting totally back on track, and then pulling back, just as I was within days of achieving my goals. PURE FRUSTRATION! UNTIL the other night....'SCARED SKINNY' ....I tell you!

It's as if Mom is telling me -- "Be scared, Mar, be VERY scared....until you achieve your personal goals and get back to your personal BEST! Then, you can BREATHE DEEP again, you can FEEL as good as you look, but this time, STAY LOOKING GOOD because UNLESS YOU GET AND STAY HEALTHY -- the looks will fade. As you succumb to unhealthy eating episodes (they are not all-out 'binges' -- so let's just call them 'episodes' -- ie -- they are MORE than my body needs per time or day)and/or forego your regular exercise sessions, all your beauty will be just an illusion. Your true 'beauty' lies in taking good care of your blessed healthy organs, balanced metabolic cycles,optimal hormone syntheses and secretions, and body functions. Your 'beauty' will glow from within a soul and spirit that is kept sacred. If it means to have to pull back and feel 'scared skinny' in order to stop your nonsense, then so be it! Now, go and do what you have to do! Get on with it!"

And that's EXACTLY what I've been doing! Whenever I feel tempted -- 'scared skinny' makes me walk away and think healthy! Oh, I will never be 'skinny', but I'm also not going to stand for becoming 'scary fat'.

Thanks, Mom!

I feel truly purified in purpose. I am consecrated to act from the legacy of love and Providence that I have been blessed with, as I strive to fulfill my destiny in this crazy and needy world.